A Mommy's Feelings

--There is no greater feeling in the world then the feeling that you have when your child is born.

--My pregnancy was not an easy one. The problems started early, sround 3 moths I had a threatened miscarriage and spent several days on bed rest. I had 2 kidney infections, the first one at 5 months and the second one at 6 months which I sepnt 3 days in the hospital for. I have been monitored very closely throughout my entire pregnancy due to developing pre-eclampsia during my first pregnancy and delievering at 32 weeks. My OB/GYN (Dr. Ross) is wonderful. He really "stayed on top of things".

--There are so many emotions going through me right now. I knew there was a chance that I could develop pre-eclampsia again. I checked my blood pressure 4 times a day (doctor's order).

I did everything the doctor said. I was willing to make any scarifice that I had to so that my baby would arrive healthy.

--On Monday, June 12, I went to my regular appointment with Dr. Ross. (I had been seeing him

once a week since May.) My blood pressure was elevated and we discussed the steriod shot that are used to speed up the maturation of a baby's lungs. We all felt that it would be good to start them "just in case". Dr. Ross left it up to Richard and I on whether or not I start the shots that day or wait until my next appointment that was schedule for Wednesday, June 21. I am so glad that we made the decision to start them that day. Dr. Ross also decided to start me on medicine to keep my blood pressure low.

--On Saturday, June 17, my blood pressure was high every time I checked it. I also had a severe headache that would not go away. I called the on-call OB/GYN and she suggested that I go to the hospital. Once I got to the hospital a nurse immediately started checking my blood pressure and Daniel's heart rate was monitored. The doctor really wanted me to relax so that my blood pressure would come down. Richard went home and I was not allowed to watch TV or talk on the phone. I really tried to relax but it is hard to relax when you are fearing for you baby's life.

--After spending Saturday night and Sunday night in the hospital I was expecting and preparing to be sent home on Monday on bed rest. I got other news. I was on the edge of developing pre-eclampsia. The doctor had decided that it would be better if I stayed in the hospital until delievery which could be in a few hours, a few days or a few weeks. As borign as the hospital was I was hoping for a few weeks. My daily routine was as follows...I was not allowed to eat after midnight, my protein level was checked every morning and I had an ultrasound every morning to "check on Daniel". Once all the results came back and everything was ok, I was allowed to eat. (Richard tried to arrive around lunch time so he could bring me good food.)

--On Wednesday, June 21 that m protein level was down which was great news. However the ultrasound showed that Daniel was not getting any blood flow do our only choice was a c-section. When I heard the doctor say that the time had come I was so scared. My first son (Noah) was born at 32 weeks. I had some kind of idea what we were going to be facing. I called my mom (Richard was already there) she was going to leave right away (she lives 3 hours from the hospital). The nurses started getting me ready for the c-section, everything was crazy.

--I don't remember much from the time in the operating room. I think I was so scared that I tried to block everything out. I do remember hearing Daniel cry, he sounded like a kitten. The nurses took me back to my room to recover. I wanted to see Daniel but I was so sick. The nurses took several pictures of him and sent them to me via Richard. When mom arrived she took several pictures. (We didn't have our camera at the hospital.) I spent the night looking through all the pictures.

--I got to "meet Daniel" on Thursday, June 22. He was so tiny, nothing could have prepared me for the feelings that I felt when I saw him lying there with all the tubes and wires coming from his body.

--I am home now. Daniel is still in the NICU and will be for several more weeks. I am trying to take everything that has been "thrown" at us moment by moment. I didn't get to take my baby home with me. I haven't had to get up at all hours of the night with a newborn but I wish I could. I haven't even got to hold my baby yet. Being a new mom is hard, being a mom to a preemie is even harder.

and the nurses started getting me ready for the c-section...it was crazy. I am home now and I am slowly recovering but I know that "the journey" is not over, the "journey" will not be over until Daniel is at home with me. It is so hard being away from him...I know he is being well taken care of but nobody ever takes care of a "your child" as well as you do. I have had such a wonderful "support group" through all this and I couldn't have made it without everyone who has been there, I am so grateful to each and every one of you, I would name people but I am afraid that I would leave someone out. I consider myself to be the luckiest woman alive...I have a wonderful husband who cares for me and a beautiful son. Richard has been so great through everything, very supportive and he always made sure I was well taken care of. I learned from Noah what it was like to be a mother and what it is like for a mother to love a child but I never thought I could love someone as much as I love Noah until Daniel arrived.